Can u just say

Can you just say what it is

Not what it could be or what it was

But only what it is

Right here in this moment.

I can handle it, I’m a big girl

But you losing your tongue

Behind excuses, avoidance, jokes or silence

Makes me want to fill in the blank

And I’m not good at reading your mind

I was at a point

But when you started getting comfortable

And being at ease

You feared what I welcomed

And changed

And now I need you to say what it is

Right here, right now, in this moment

Because I want to know if you are really

The strength I admire

And willing to love me back

Or the coward I ‘ll loathe

Who just wants to be friends

2009 Wrap Up

Say it loud…. I’m black and I’m proud!

As we sip the cherry wine and pop bottles, I take time to reflect back on 2009 and all the wonderful things that I have witnessed and as I pray to make room in my life for new things, I want to take a little time to reflect on those moments that meant a little something to those who share skin like mine.

The Eye of the Tiger…. Make that a Wandering Eye

Truly as soon as the news hit the news media…the black woman tuned her ear up. Before police reports, CNN, or even Internet, the black woman’s “oh hell naw” gene siren out over the theme, “You said he was going where at 2:00 am in the morning? Humph, something wrong with that story!” But instead of the kumbayah gatherings that the brown skin advocates did for Rueben’s American Idol run, Jesse Jackson’s mistress, or even the Black folks tuned in for only one reason and one reason only… to laugh they asses off. Excuse me, I meant laugh they BLACK asses off.  Sorry Tiger, you was never a brother so there were no soul sensations that made anyone shout you out or pray for you and your demons. R. Kelly got more love then you, but you provided the best drama since New York Undercover. You were pure entertainment…I don’t know many Negroes who watched your whole golf tournament, but they sure did clock in over 8 hours tuned into your sex scandal.

Single Ladies……and Diva Dudes…

Yeah, Beyonce is here. I mean what is a list that doesn’t have her hair stamp somewhere in the margins; however how hot the song was is not why it made the list. It is the courage that this song brought out in the big girls, the hot girls, and the wanna be girls that had it as the most reproduced video on YouTube. Between that and giving living in girlfriends the power to pull ultimatums, Single Ladies is the “I’m Every Woman” of the decade. For two months we caught up sending off Beyonce was the epitome of courage for the 2009, and she also gave validation to all the gay boys divas that were hiding in closets waiting in heat to snap they hips and pop they necks. You go boys….

Rebirth of Coolness, Usher Us in Your Presence….

Thank you Tameka, because although you had the man…you didn’t have the sense to keep him and your drama not only produced the legal song of the year (Papers) but you let go of trying to make a prodigy a regular man and now we can put Usher back on our playlists! With the passing of Usher’s Idol, Michael Jackson, Usher has crooned his way into all of America’s hearts and has ousted Tameka as the new Omorossa. Single mothers, sorry….Tameka has jacked up the image of loving a woman and ALL of her kids…but we can truly say that Usher is one of those artists that have their best albums when their life is jacked up.

I Aint Got it……Blame it on the Re-Re-Recession

I mean, dodging creditors has never been nothing new…but in 09…we didn’t have to lie when we said we didn’t have it. We didn’t. The recession gave us reason when before we were reaching for excuses. The crazy thing is as bad as the economy hit, most black just remembered to back in the day when you had peanut butter no jelly. The recession was just a jog down memory lane when Momma stuffed your face with bologna sandwiches…you didn’t know things was tight, you just knew that your ass better not ask for no Jordans, or nothing name brand (not even Jiffy) or touch nothing in the store you couldn’t pay for. The crazy thing is during the Recession this year, I didn’t see no clubs shut down or liquor sales talk a turn for the worse, so even though we was on a budget…I still believe we was ballin’ on a budget. You can’t never find a reason for us not to go dance.

SHOW ME DA HOOPIE! Cash for Yo’ Clunker

Pops of the world and old rummage sell hustlers, this was a moment that Sanford would have grabbed his heart because the “big one was on the way”! The caddy could be dusted off and would be worth something, all you had to do is hope the motor would make it to the dealership. This was the moment that allowed to you to elevate from Scrub to Socialite and our first real proof that Obama was serious in his oath to help minorities get a step up. The Cash For Clunker program allowed many neighborhoods to clean up as well giving a home to all them cars that Pookie and em collected over the years and Big Momma was holding down until they came back.

Betta Dodge My Umbrella…ella…ella…eh…eh…eh

Rhianna and Chris Brown devastated us all. Broken hearts were all over the world as we looked at Rhianna’s beat up nose and black folks started to take sides like the fate of humanity was on the person with the highest album sales. However, the emergence of Little Ikey cannot be downsized by the fact that many of us were shocked know that little sweet “Run That” Chris Brown could actually manhandle someone. Light skin men have been fighting for years for some respect and not look gay. Chris Brown let down his fella light-skin brothers who have been since the mid 90’s trying to make a comeback as the image of the sexy black male. Why? Because he was breaking barriers and now he got hit hard. Rhianna might have the bruises but Chris is down for the count. How we know? Chris Brown was shut out of MJ tributes and he the only artist in the world who could imitate him. In our hearts we were desperate to see him do a shout out performance for Michael Jackson but due to probation and haters who feel like you can skeet on a woman all day, but you should be perished for popping her in the face…Chris couldn’t come out of hiding, or his anger management classes. Trust me I am not taking sides, in fact if Chris ever asked me something I am eating the cake and doing the electric slide at the same time…and its due to fear of a backhand side. It’s just that Chris Brown got a lot of repair damage to do….transform that playa.

Obama…Obama…Obama…YES WE DID

I don’t have to say how monumental Obama’s inauguration was…hell people stood for 12 hours in the freezing cold, without a negative thing to say. I can mark all the accolades down and beautiful moments but here is the key thing we must remember, Obama made us political experts. Yes…I never in my life watched as much CNN as I have now and it is worldwide. Negroes understand the congressional caucus, three branches of government, and even international affairs. We are now vested into our governmental system and it’s from all society levels. I mean the homeless man on the street begs a little more cheerful knowing that hope is on its way.

He is BAD….Jam’mone Michael Jackson

I cannot say enough about this moment. Its like the world stopped. Truly did and when the King of Pop passed away we all remembered our Roots upbringing…don’t you dare speak ill about the dead. We all relived our youth and hunted out silver gloves, red jackets, and old dance moves. There was no other, we all loved him and cried with the family while watching the funeral illegally at work (we wasn’t gonna get caught…our bosses were doing the same thing) Michael did what Obama couldn’t, he united America and even Fox News had to shut up for a second and give that man his props. We didn’t question that he wasn’t really them kids daddy (out loud) and we throw roses while shedding tears. Long lives the true King of Pop…

Forget 40 acres and a Mule, I’ll take Dark Meat Instead….KFC Giveaway

They ran out of chicken worldwide, that shows you the power of reparations when not rationalized correctly or in this case a free chicken dinner thanks to Oprah. What was supposed to just a quick little promotional moment to let people know KFC was baking chicken turned to national pandemonium as the power of blackness and pride came out over our most beloved food, the chicken. KFCs became party spots, people camped out in front of franchises, and every body and they momma had a coupon…in fact in my case six or seven coupons. I knew who my true friends where because they sent you emails as soon as the thing was announced, the Oprah server shut down, and know one knew the power of the chicken as we rushed for ways to get our free meal, even frequenting several different KFCs to find one with the shortest line. The truth of the matter is there was no preparation for what seemed like a good idea and whoever is in charge of this promo deal needs to be awarded with a NAACP award.

That’s it….let me go and pop champagne and party like its 1999…..out with the old and in with the new!

2010 when my life will begin…

As I play Temptation’s miraculous Christmas album song and pump a little two-step in with the soundtrack, I am hit with a realization of how fake my happiness is this season. I feel like I am like Smokey’s clown and truly hiding the tracks of my tears. Alas! Why, you might ask? Fore, I have been hit with all the lights, carols holiday greeting. I have been clamored with the Tiny Tim stories, and miracles on 31^st street, I am only lying to myself by believing that this was a season to be jolly.

I haven’t had this year…and it seemed to boil down towards the twelfth month when it all comes to a halting truth, when the things I thought I invested in didn’t show any payoffs. When my prayers didn’t result in the blessings I thought I should be bestowed, and it seemed that everything I planed I failed and doubts of my being and purpose on this earth resurfaced as if I was a 12 year-old starting a new school with a fresh face of acne. I kissed a boy and he made me cry, I believe in a teacher who has kept me in time out, I walk with a dunce hat on my head…

And instead of my going on and on about what hasn’t happened it is now when I realize the power of time, I can live those moment on in my heart through groans and agonies or can use the hands on the clock to focus on a chance to die away. I am right to let my self perish in the pains that I felt this past year because that person is so worn and tattered I don’t know if she can make it through another battle. Putting it this way, we love Rocky…we loved that he was down on the ropes and he made this comeback and put it all out there and with all his strength and power he mustered a victory and the world rejoiced to him, but I simply wonder how he felt when he was nursing those wounds back to health. Though he was the victor, the pain that came with the win makes me know I am punk enough that I wouldn’t endure the fight in the first place. Oh hell naw…I am not swinging anymore.

I have my wounds. I am down. And I’m not getting up.

Not here, I realize that not all battles are made to be won, some are simply there for the journey and this is a battle where I have let the worlds of my presence determine my life. I have been shown what my life should be and have let media, family, friends, lovers, and even spectators determine my definition. Of who I am and what success should look like. I have watch a year of recessions and setbacks, news and blues explain all the things I should have and I have felt lower than dirt when I realize I don’t measure up. And then in my rat race of running, I am now in an unfamiliar field and the truth is I don’t like where I am. I am constantly tired of being the good girl and making the best of my surroundings. So like a dead forest, I am burning down what is in the way in order to allow freshness to grow.

Broken down, I am a football star playing baseball, I am queen chess marker playing checkers, and I am that yellow little triangle in a preschooler’s hand being stuffed into a square opening. I am where I don’t fit and as long I am in the wrong place I will never be the star I am supposed to be, not because I am not worthy but because I am playing the wrong game and now I realize that if I change my strategy I can change my anguish and the tears that hide behind the mask. I’m not a failure, I am just in the wrong place in many aspects of my life and I am trying to become a star where my skills and natural abilities are not being used in the right positions.

It’s not about me changing who I am. About me lowering my standards, or relaxing in my expectations. I have checked myself more times then Tyra changes hair tracks, I’m okay…never perfect but here and okay. It’s about me taking who I am and putting it in a productive place.

So I should dust myself off? Right, get up, check myself and start anew? Why must I die? Because in this life if I continue to go on like this, I have lost the innocence and exuberance of my youth. I am cynical, bitter, tired, and defiant. I long for that girl in high school who had dreams, character, and spunk. That girl has grown into a woman who is defined by expectations when she thought she would grow in a lady who would defy expectations. And I need her back, in her core, untarnished to guide my vision of where I should be.

So I shall be born again, this day when Christ was laid in a manger, I lay in my stable to let God watch over me and I look to reunite with his vision he had for his child. A vision that a child didn’t question in fact grew in her spiritual umbilical cord. I will be ignorant enough to say at this time there is no plan, there is only peace while I get feed and reenergize because I will emerge like a child, only with the wisdom to run without boundaries, to leap to touch the sky, to climb trees and not let gravity plant me and love with an open heart and walk away from those who don’t want to play with me.

I refuse to be bound by others because I have given them the twine to tie me up with. I refuse to lay playing possum when my heart is full of fire. I refuse to be reduced when I am the exponential factor in any equation.

So it’s not a question it is a quest. Opportunities to not look back at time lost, but look forward to time regained. To not allow manmade obstacles stand in the way of my divine destination. One that has been unscripted and uncharted and really indefinable…until I live it.

Follow me, but this time…..I won’t be waiting for you.